I haven’t written a personal or heart-felt post for you all in a long time now.
When I started Five Senses Friday about 2 months ago, I felt as if I was bringing a new level of intimacy to my blog.
But in spite of that I haven’t taken the time to sit down and write my thoughts and feelings like I have in the past!
I feel as if my blog as been filled with reviews, giveaways and sponsorships lately…which can be fun and nice for all of us, but that is not what I want my blog to be about!
When I started to blog for the world a short couple years ago, I promised myself that I would not sugar coat or paint this fake reality of my life for you all to see. I really enjoy being able to write down my feelings, as if I’m writing a book about my life, chapter by chapter, for you all to read. I will be the first to admit that I have some serious grammar issues. But I don’t write to show off my eloquent words or how I can sentence splice…
I write to inspire, I write to remind myself of all the good I have in my life, I write to share experiences of sacrifice and trials, and I write because I can.
There are not many things I keep out of this blog. In fact I struggle sometimes finding my place in the blogging world. Although I know that most readers prefer to have their favorite bloggers categorized or even have a feel for what to expect in their next post but I choose to take the ‘easy’ way out and categorize myself as a ‘lifestyle’ blogger…
because I don’t want to leave anything out. People may think I’m crazy that I share my personal thoughts, feelings and experiences to the world but I feel we were all put on this earth to inspire and learn from each other and if I can do that, even to one person, than you better believe I’m going to! Some might look at my life and think that I’ve had it easy or that I have it all and I will admit I am beyond blessed, but with those blessing have also come many difficult trials of life and love that have truly shaped me into the woman I have become today. And like I previously mentioned, there isn’t much to leave for question, in fact, I share pretty much my whole life. There are some tender trials I have encountered in my life that I will share in due time. Those trials have affected a lot of people that I truly love and I am still trying to find a way to share what I have learned without hurting or offending those I love, but when I find the strength and words behind my lifelong thoughts, I will share. Until then I will share my love of life and my love of trials to you all. This life is given to us to learn, this life is filled with bridges that crumble beneath our feet and mountains that fall on top of us, ready to crush our whole being, and without those moments we cannot grow. We cannot become the person we want to become, even if we aren’t quite sure who that person is.
We must strive daily to find that person, because some people don’t ever get the chance to know that they can become something great. If you have the ability to read this, you are more blessed than 90% of the world. So I will take that blessing and share my stories, even if it’s difficult.
If you’re still reading and if you will allow me, I would like to share a story with you now.
A story that happened only a couple months ago.
It was like any other day as I was preparing to go to work.
When Baylor saw her playing with it he rushed over and tried to take it. He has a death grip like no other!!! So the only logical solution for Reagan would be to hit Baylor harshly over the head, resulting in Baylor releasing his grasp.
And what do we have in store for us tonight.
filled my view.
“Take care of them Sadie.” She said with tear rolling down her cheeks.
“I promise I will.”
She explained to me that they would let me know when they were ready for the funeral home to come get the baby and went to say goodbye one more time to them. I gave her time alone with the patient while I flipped through the patient’s history and chart.
I don’t think people realize the weight us nurses place on our shoulders. In a field like labor and delivery, even if the patient doesn’t realize it, we become one with that patient. For those 12 hours, that patient is our life! And when situations that this occur…that patient stays with us for eternity. I think most people become nurses because they think they can help fix things. In labor and delivery especially we usually have great outcomes and know what to do in difficult situations. It is such a specified field that labor nurses are trained, without even trying, to connect with their patient for this special time.
But when situations like a stillborn arise, we are left helpless. All we have is our energy, love and holistic hands to try and ease the pain of the patients we are serving.
in fact I think I prayed throughout my whole shift that night,
took a deep breathe and softly knocked on the door.
“He’s beautiful.” I whispered as the tears fell off my face.
I walked towards her…sat down and embraced her. I had never met this women and had no idea if she even liked to be touched but without thinking…that’s what I did. We cried together as I held her and repeated over and over I am so sorry, I am so sorry.
I dreaded what came next.
I introduced myself and walked silently to the room with him.
This wasn’t a time for small talk.
I took a deep sigh and could hear one coming from his mouth as well, in absolute unison with mine.
We then entered the room where I experienced something I hope I never have to experience again and I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy!
As I rubbed her back and watched her rock her precious boy one last time, a peace fell over the room.
I knew he was there with us.
I knew his spirit was trying to comfort.
I KNEW at that very moment that she would be able to hold her little boy again!
If, for whatever reason, I had had a doubt that families are forever,
I DIDN’T NOW.
Nothing can convince me otherwise.
Without saying anything, I knew he was ready.
I stood up and he placed his beautiful boy in my arms.
I waited till I closed the door behind me and placed a blanket over his face then I handed him to the funeral director and walked with him to the front doors not bothering to hide my emotions anymore.
“No matter how many demises you see…everyone is just as hard as the first!”
I mustered up a smile and a thank you as I left him.
I turned around and gave him a little wave goodbye.
“Thank you for what you do.” I said in return
I was taken back by his words.
We don’t do anything..that’s what’s so hard about it!
Moments like these leave us feeling helpless and utterly hopeless.
I then began to thank Him for
the cuddles at bedtime
the endless innocent love
the trust to care for His children for a time
and for EVERY SINGLE minute of every single day.
I pulled myself together and got back to work.
I retrieved an extra hat, shirt and diaper and gently placed it in his ‘remembrance’ box that the previous nurse had put together.
In it you would find baby bands, foot and hand prints, his blanket he was previously wrapped in and a few other things, neatly folded and tied together in a bow.
I returned to the room to find her dressed in her normal clothes, requesting to go home.
We sat and talked a bit about things, then it was time to say goodbye.
She didn’t want a wheelchair but I insisted and wrapped a warm blanket around her.
We took the long way out to avoid the pictures of little babies and I waited as her husband prepared the car.
I hugged him first and told him I was here if they needed to talk.
I then helped her out of the wheelchair, embraced her once more and told her I loved her.
With an empty car seat in the back of their van, they drove off into the dark.
I stepped out into the street and looked at the stars as I took a couple deep breaths.
“Please help her heal.” I prayed to Heavenly Father.
It’s a miraculous thing when your job is to literally be present for new life to enter the world but it’s a life changing experience to see that spirit leave that precious little soul and nothing I ever do will give me a stronger testimony of eternal families.
I put the wheelchair back in it’s appropriate place and before I knew it, I was the nurse for another mom to be.
That mom would have no idea what happened that night and I would go on the next 5 hours pretending like that little face wasn’t on my mind.
In hindsight, I really had very little to do with that precious patients care.
I only had the pleasure to take care of her for 6 small hours of her whole journey.
She probably doesn’t even remember me.
But I will forever remember her and her inspiring family.
I held my kids a bit tighter that morning when I got home.
I stayed on my knees a bit longer.
and I appreciate every. single. thing. in my life a bit more.
I can’t tell you why things like that happen to parents or why bad things happen to good people at all…
but I can tell you, that whether we like it or not…
bad things will continue to happen.
So I must use those experience to help me grow…
as a mother
as a wife
and as a person.
Thank you for allowing me to share this very personal story with you.
I pray we can all learn and grow from difficult experiences in our lives so we can use our strength to help others.
We all must remember how blessed we truly are.