Throughout this entire fitness journey, I’ve been really really real. I’ve tried to show you my struggles and flaws and everything in between. But, there is one thing that I don’t think I’ve ever written about and I think it’s time I share this part of my story. I don’t know about you. But, I am my worst critic. Throughout this crazy fitness journey that I’ve taken myself on… there has been one thing that has held me back. One thing that I still haven’t been able to get over. MYSELF. When I first saw these pictures. I had really ridiculous thoughts. “My arms look huge!” “Look at those legs!” … I can’t be the only one that looks at pictures of themselves and sees inadequacies. But why? Why does it have to be that way? Now, more than ever before, these feelings have come to the surface.
This last Fall, when I had moved to Salt Lake, I was anxious and scared, and living in a big city for the first time in my entire life was harder for me than I ever expected. I started “modeling” more and became nervous and anxious. I knew I didn’t have the “typical modeling body”, I knew there were way more beautiful, young girls out there. So why me? The pressure started to get to me. Not a lot of people will admit this, but the pressure to continue to lose weight and tone and look better and better in this social media world is sooo real. I remember thinking this thought one day and wondering where that pressure came from… was I just making it up? Not even an hour later, I received a comment on my instagram from a reader, telling me that I shouldn’t lose anymore weight because I was a “relatable goal for her.” I, of course, took total offense to that comment and interpreted it as a, “You are just fat enough for us to relate to you… thanks!” It bothered me for days… and because I decided to take offense to that comment, I started becoming more nervous and self conscious about what I posted. I decided I needed to workout more and eat less. I was impatient and tired. I was more thin than I had ever been, but I wasn’t happy… I was obsessed with becoming thin… not becoming healthy. I wanted the thigh gap and the skinny arms and the perfectly thin pictures. What I was doing wasn’t healthy or possible for me to sustain if I was going to have a healthy, balanced life and be a great mother and wife… and at the end of the day… that is all that matters! I remember my sister making a comment about my weight and thinking how crazy she sounded. ME? Too skinny? YEAH RIGHT!! Like that has ever happened in my life…
When we got together during Christmas time, I made sure to indulge a bit more, just to show them all that I didn’t have a problem… it’s funny, how you can work so hard and all the sudden it become an obsession, so much so that you don’t even see what it might be doing to you or your family… I decided to start to go to CrossFit more regularly. In a gym, with a coach who pushed me to lift more and become strong and see my potential. But, really, all I saw were my thighs getting bigger and my arms not fitting in my shirts. It’s crazy, I know it is. But the pressure and “competition” in this city is fierce, and comparing myself began to change me. Suddenly the passion of what I was preaching so passionately to my readers became something I needed to passionately hear for myself. Why does beauty have to come from the number on the scale? That question has never rang truer than at this moment in my life. I am stronger and healthier now than ever before, and I should be so proud of that.
I wanted to share these insecurities I’ve been struggling with the last few months with all of you because I am a fighter, and instead of being something I wasn’t and continuing down that path of unhealthiness… I decided that being healthy and happy was more important. Honestly, it’s a daily struggle, even now. Of course I feel great and am healthy and happy, but deep in my mind that evil person inside aka Satan… tells me that just a few months ago I was smaller, skinnier, better.
Doesn’t that sound ungrateful and crazy?
YOU are the greatest tool that Satan has to rip you apart!
and guess what…
He will never stop…
He will try and try again.
So how do I overcome it? How do YOU overcome it? Honestly, I don’t no. My husband helps a lot and so do my children, and I feel the most beautiful when I am closest to the Lord. When I am loving others. When I am serving my husband and children. I try to pretend like it doesn’t overwhelm my thoughts every day…but it does. This post doesn’t really have a solution or a happy ending. I am right in the middle of learning to except this body that I have. But, when I do find a solution… I will write about it, I’m sure. My thoughts and feelings and blog posts don’t always have to be motivating and happy. This one is just raw and real. I guess, if anything… I just want you to know, you are not alone. Satan is real and will never ever stop making us feel inadequate or not good enough, no matter how fit or beautiful we are.
It’s funny how I can feel so strongly about all you moms and strong women out there really loving yourselves. And I mean that with all my heart. If only you all could see how beautiful you are and see your potential that you have!!!
We will all figure it out.
But until then,
Let’s just keep praying, having faith, and remember what we are…
Daughters of God!